The Far Reaching Effects Of Emotional Pain

If you've read my hub "My Reflection of Personal Growth and Death of a Failed Relationship", This is part of the continuing story.


As you might already know, I tried to commit suicide on July 8th of this year.....Only a few short weeks ago. I spent 5 days in a psychiatric care facility. I haven't been back to work yet because 1) I'm trying to heal and 2) I had to be cleared as fit for duty by my place of employment and that can take some time.

I'll be returning to work today however, I'm not looking forward to it. There are too many unanswered questions. Can I still do my job? How will I react differently? Plus, the added stigma of all of my co-workers looking at me funny. The HR department isn't the most confidential place in the world.....everyone knows what happened.....a piece of what happened....and embellishment of what happened. I have an 18 inch scar on the inside of my arm from my wrist to the inside of my elbow, and a 4 inch scar on my throat. I wanted to go to the office, have a meeting with everyone at the same time and tell the story, answer questions, just to get everything out in the open. But they wouldn't allow it. Now, I've got to spend the next few days fielding questions, talking to people, hearing stories about "my sisters next door neighbors room mates best friend from college tried to kill himself". Well hell, that makes us practically related then doesn't it?

The emotional pain is still there. Hasn't subsided an nth. It effects the way one goes about everything. Just think for a second, all of the things you love to do. How many of those things do you share with your partner? How much would you want to do those things if they were gone? Even simple, stupid things like going to the grocery store requires a painful resolve because that's something that we used to do.. All of the things I'm passionate about included The One. Camping, Fishing, Backpacking, Fly tying, Photography. Now I don't want to do any of it. Everything reminds me of her.

Saturday night, my brother, mother and I went to the beach just to walk around, take pictures, watch the sun go down. It was quite painful due to the fact that right there was another example of something that we used to share.....something that we'll never share again. I used to love doing that sort of thing.

All I can do is remember.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

How can one escape the far reaching effects of emotional pain and want to keep living?