Navigating the Rough Waters of Personal Forgiveness and Moving On

You may have read my Hub " My Reflection of Personal Growth and Death of a Relationship".

This is a hub about my continuing struggle to get past that tragedy.

As we're all fishing boat captains, navigating the seas of life, I'm sure that we've seen our share of storms. Large waves pound us, gusting winds push us to and fro, and sheets of rain sting our faces. All that we can do is use our skills as a captain and reflect on what we've learned from past storms.

But this storm is different. The emotional waves tower over your boat, crashing onto the deck, threatening to wash away what's left of your self worth. The bilge is trying to pump out the flooding compartments of negativity so that you can have better control of the boat and focus on getting back to the dock. That's what's always worked for you before. You're always confident that you'll live to fish another day, that this just wasn't your day The crew has seen you weather some pretty bad storms. They're a good crew and like working on your boat. They know what to do during storms and have always tried to do whats best for the boat. Although you're always prepared for stormy weather, you don't like to pilot your boat though the rough waves of solitude and howling winds of inevitable change.

But.....this storm is different. The only thing you can think about is getting the crew home safe. If it were just you on the boat, you would have let the first emotional waves sink it and do what all good captains do: go down with the ship. It's easier than getting a new boat and starting your fishing business all over again.....even though your boat has a few years on it, it's well maintained and cared for by the crew and yourself to be able to survive storms.

But this storm is different. You know that you shouldn't have taken the boat over to your old fishing grounds. You had split ties with your old partner boat because the captain wasn't working with you as you needed. You found yourself fishing alone with your crew most of the time. You know and a few of your older, grizzled crew members that you and your new partner boat have a good thing. Fishing is awesome. Your new fishing grounds are very productive. Your whole entire life is fishing again. All of the other fishing boat captains are envious and wish THEY could find a partner boat like you have so they can enjoy fishing again too. But for some reason, you can't stay away from your old fishing grounds. The only crew member who knows is your first mate and he tells you that it's not a good idea. Storms in this area can be really bad and might sink your boat. But you don't listen. You put your boat in danger, your new partner finds out about it later and now you're plowing through waves that are higher than your boat. One of your 2 engines has conked out, you're starting to flounder. This is the biggest storm you've ever been in and now you're fighting to save your crew. The guilt is tremendous and for the first time in your career as a fishing boat captain, you're living with regret.

How can you forgive yourself for this tragedy. How can you focus on fishing in calm waters again when it's your fault that you're in the predicament that you're in? Even though your crew tells you the things that need to be done to make it back, you can't seem to find the edge of the storm and get out. There's a maelstrom of uncertainty that you see ahead. How do you keep the boat from being sucked down.

Usually, you can turn to your radar, focus on and find the calmer waters and ride out the storm, all the while thinking of the good fishing days ahead. But this time your radar is on the fritz. The storm seems to be never ending, a few of your crew members have abandoned ship and the emotional waves are damaging the boat beyond your capabilities to repair. The engineer on board is doing everything to save the ship. That's what he's good at. He's fixed so many other boats that were damaged.

How can you forgive yourself for putting your boat into this situation? How can you focus on better days fishing when you're flooding?