My Reflection of Personal Growth and Death of a Failed Relationship

I had been sort of single for a long time. Sort of single means dating the wrong person on and off for 6 years. I was alone more often than not, living life with a purpose, doing the things i love, going to work. I was happy but yet wishing I had someone to share my life with. Someone to be my best friend and lover. I'm almost 40 so I've been through the wars and know from experience that you can't just make it happen with just anyone. It has to be with the right person. After quite a few go arounds with On Again/Off Again Girl and dating women with whom I lost interest in or vice versa, not to mention all of the judging going on when on first dates. It can be mentally exhausting so I had pretty much given up hope on the dating front. Of course On Again/Off Again Girl was always there. Our chemistry together was fantastic but, outside of that, we didn't have a whole lot in common. There were no common interests, our philosophies about love and relationships were completely opposite, and our political views were as far apart as you could get. I was in love with her but she kept me at an emotional distance because of her fear of getting hurt..... I like to go camping....she doesn't. I like to fish....she doesn't....

Then, on an evening in early March of 2008, I met HER. The one I had been looking for. Godot had finally arrived. We could talk for hours about everything, we admired a lot of the same music, books, hobbies. She loved the outdoors as much as me. She was beautiful inside and out. She liked to debate an issue, try new food. Liked cheap wine and premium beer.And she could write like a scholar. I was both a kid at Christmas and kid at the gates of the amusement park all at the same time. Yet for the first time, I didn't have any grandiose visions of what the future might hold, when we might move in together and daydream about our happy little life- which is usually what happens when I meet someone who I really like. I just sort of thought to myself "we'll see" and decided to take it day by day. I was living with my dog in a nice town where I could do what I loved, in a nice life. I wasn't in a hurry. I cut ties with On Again/Off Again Girl and she cut ties with On Again/Off Again Guy.

Things progressed at a nice pace. We struck out getting to know each other by going on camping trips, spending weekends at my house or her house, telling our life stories, laughing at everything, making love at every chance. Life is excellent when you have a partner at your side, doing all of the things you love to do....and the chemistry was awesome.

Then, one day.....out of the blue, I couldn't get the thought of On Again/Off Again Girl and the nasty things we used to do out of my head. I fought it out, tried to use logic and think of the good thing that was going on with The One, but the thoughts just tortured me. I hadn't spoke to On Again/Off Again Girl very much in several months which wasn't out of character for the dysfunction that we used to share. It's not like I was sex starved or The One wasn't doing it for me.....I just HAD TO HAVE On Again/Off Again Girl one more time. Sort of when you're on a diet and you just have to have Ben& Jerry's. So I picked up the phone, told The One some stupid story, and went to On Again/Off Again Girl's house. Whew! Got her out of my system. Now we can go back to the good life with The One. Fell in love with The One the following week.

3 months later, I moved in with The One. Life was as close to perfect as it could be. We lived, loved, laughed, camped, canoodled, swam, fished, fixed meals together, went to baseball games. I couldn't wait to get home from work to see her, spend time with her, tell each other about our day. She was everything that I had looked for in a mate for I don't know how long.

Of course it couldn't be like that forever. One day in mid October, she was sort of withdrawn and down. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she knew about me and On Again/Off Again Girl, and what we had done and how she had broken into my computer when I wasn't home and read all of the instant messages we had sent, talking about what we had done. Of course I was horrified. She was ready to throw me and all of my stuff out onto the front lawn. We talked about it, through tears and anger, fear and frustration....and sadness. We decided to work on it.....she'd try to get over it.....try to trust me again. After that, everything seemed to be ok and back to normal. I can't begin to tell you how relieved I was. I felt as if I had terminal cancer and the doctor just told me that I was in remission and I promised myself and her that I'd never do anything....ANYTHING..... to jeopardize us ever again. I told her it was BEFORE I fell in love with her. BEFORE we moved in together.

The holidays came and went. Birthdays came and went. We were still doing well with a few bouts of sullen behavior on her part over the period of a few months. When I would ask what was wrong, she told me that she was having issues with the On Again/Off Again Girl situation. In June, we were getting ready to move when she told me the same thing , which would totally screw my head up too. I always told her that, more than anything, I wish I could have a time machine so I could go back and fix it. An editing program for life as it were. Here is and excerpt from her journal about the situation:

"You know how you can be in the best of moods, feeling healthy and light, everything is under control, laughter comes easily and you are nearly dancing through life? You feel good all over. Until you cut the corner too close and your big toe collides with the dresser leg. Or the corner of a wall. Yeah, then it’s all over. What do you feel now? The throbbing pain that takes all of your attention. “(Insert deity here)! That hurts! Is it broken?!” Now, even though everything else, in fact, is perfectly fine, all you can think about is that damn toe. And if it is broken, you’re gonna think about it for some time to come, trust me. Have you ever noticed that once you break your toe, it gets hit over and over and over, bringing the pain level up to intolerable again?
A broken toe could be anything for any of us. An addiction, a phobia, an illness, a loss, a lack, a chronically unmet need, a family secret, a past or present betrayal. It’s a shame that all the positives in the world can’t outweigh one or a couple of negatives, just as an otherwise healthy and happy body can’t cancel out the pain of a broken toe? Why is that?"

But alas! There was nothing I could do to make her forget about it.. She suggested going to therapy, which I agreed to. But we never went. A few months went by. We moved to our new house.

Then, July 5th, after a week of sulking around, she told me that it's over. It had been encroaching into other areas of her life and she just couldn't deal with it any longer. I tried to talk to her about it. Pleaded with her to reconsider. We were both weeping but she stood her ground..... So I left. Drove off and just sat in my car, in the Florida heat, weeping, writing notes to my loved ones. I had always said that if anything ever happened between me and The One, that I would probably take my own life. I can't deal with rebuilding my life over and over and over again, nor deal with the pain of losing The One. I had a gun in the trunk of the car as well as a box cutter.....but I thought better of it. I needed to talk to someone who really knows me. So I called On Again/Off Again Girl. She was helpful and encouraging. She told me not to give up and that I should try to work it out with The One and she was glad that I was happy with my life Of course. So I stayed at my mother's house for a few days. I went back home to see if we could work things out. The first 10 minutes were spent with both of us sobbing uncontrollably, and hugging each other. It's plain and obvious that she loves me but she's made up her mind. We talked, wept, talked some more. She said she'd think about it for a few days.

July 8th, I went home to pick up some clothes. She wasn't there so I called her. She said she was firm in her decision and that there was no turning back because she had broken into my computer again and found through my phone records that I had called On Again/Off Again Girl and asked me why. I replied that I needed to talk to someone who really knows me. With that, she hung up.

Well that put me over the edge. I know you've heard stories or possibly gone through a few bad times yourself so you might know the feeling reaching the breaking point or of only being able to take so much. I took the gun, loaded it, cocked the hammer and stuck it in my mouth. For some reason, I couldn't pull the trigger. There was an invisible force preventing me from doing it. So I grabbed the box cutter and ripped it into my wrist and cut from there to the inside my elbow. I felt no pain from the knife. Only indescribable emotional pain. I was bleeding pretty good but it wasn't what I was looking for. I was looking for big blood. Spraying blood. The kind of bleeding one does when an artery is severed so I dug around in the deep wound looking for a pulse. I kept stabbing the box cutter into the wound, screaming "GIVE ME BLOOD!" All I could get was a steady ooze. Like when the kitchen faucet isn't turned off all the way. In my quest for blood, I slashed the box cutter as hard as I could into my neck, just a few inches to the right of my adams apple. I could feel my pulse there so I pulled the blade as hard as I could along the pulsing artery. Still no spurting. I dug my fingers into the gaping gash, desperately trying to find the jugular. But I was getting tired. I just decided to succumb to my wounds and go to sleep. On Again/Off Again Girl had called me and I had told her that I was bleeding and that I was hanging up and turning off the phone.. She didn't know my address but called 911.

I'm not sure how long I was there, but The One had come home and saw my car in the driveway and was hesitant to come into the house to confront me. She went to the neighbor's house for some back up, came into the house and found me on the bed, blood everywhere and called 911. Told them "he's still breathing". The neighbor told her to get some towels and applied presure to my arm. She was applying presure to the wound on my neck when I regaind conscienceness, screaming at me " I love you! You're a good man, I'm not worth this, why are you doing this?" By that time, the EMS techs had arrived. They put an IV in me but I was bleeding clear. They had to force a bag of blood into me before they could move me.....along with another bag of blood once I arrived at the hospital.

Needless to say, for some reason, I lived. And even though it was only a few short weeks ago, most days, it's hard for me to find a reason to keep on living. My family and friends have been great, but the things that therapists, friends, doctors, counselors say doesn't make me feel any better. I've spent a week in the loony bin and have been taking anti-depressants....and they're slowly helping me cope. But as you can imagine, I'm still utterly devastated.

How does one get past The One? How can I ever do anything else but be alone, fearful of the pain of another failed relationship? How does one get past being a broken, regretful man. How can I be alive, not just breathing?

For the continuing story, please see http://hubpages.com/hub/My-Reflection-of-Personal-Growth-Part-2