How Insecurity Can Ruin a Good Relationship

Insecurity is something that we, as humans, deal with on an everyday basis on many levels. Some fears and insecurities are based on safety. We have locks on our doors to keep people out, but what if we obsessed over home defense and security? Some folks who suffer from this put bars on their windows, buy expensive alarm systems and have a safe installed. Another group of people might suffer from financial insecurity so they protect their assets with any means necessary.

These groups of people are acting upon basic common sense and these feelings can be affiliated with preventing unwanted situations.

But there are a group of individuals who suffer from a different kind of fear; Emotional Insecurity.

A good definition that I found via Wikipedia for someone who is afflicted with this disorder - "Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner). A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value and capability, lacks trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in the future."

Men can develop controlling personality type from this disorder and can cause harm and unpleasantness to their partners.

But often times, it lies quiet, going on behind the scenes, not letting their partner know that they feel this way this way.

This is the personality trait that I have recent experience with. Not in the sense that I was feeling low self worth, but because my partner was afflicted with the quiet kind of insecurity.

There we were, recently moved in together, feeling great and living the life I had always dreamed of with my perfect ideal for a mate. I'm not going to describe what she did, but she found out about an indiscretion that happened early in our relationship. Now it can be debated whether or not it can be considered infidelity, I'm not writing this article to justify what I did. That can be addressed at a later date or another article however, after working through this issue for 9 months, our relationship ended with devastating consequences for this author. I'm not writing this as a "wallow in self pity" piece, I'm writing this to raise awareness about just how destructive this disorder can be.

I'm reminded of a quote by Friedrich Nietzsche -

"To find everything profound - that is an inconvenient trait. It makes one strain one's eyes all the time, and in the end one finds more than one might have wished."

There is hope for those who suffer from insecurity. It takes time and patience and a willingness to believe each person (and specifically oneself) is in fact of innate value. Erikson's stages of psychosocial development explains the eight stages that a person should pass through from infancy to adulthood. In each stage the person confronts, and hopefully masters, new challenges.

Find information here to research 'Erikson's Theory of Psychosocial Development'

I have faced many of my fears head on and mastered them over time. The positive outcome of me losing my partner, best friend and lover as well as my home is the fact that I conquered the need to have a "Plan B" as it were. ...otherwise known as relationship insurance.

Please, if you suffer from this disorder, seek help through therapy.